"I don't know and I never did"

8:56PM - I dont think you know who you are.....

So you let it out little by little
hints here and there
but its hard for me to respond
its hard to say i care
about something in which i cannot relate
or even pretend to share
youve lost more then anytime can repair

and I wish i could be there
to say im sorry for the life that has been taken
for all the memories you remember and the ones youve forsaken
Im sorry for the pain in your eyes
as you subtly mention thoughts of him
im scared to ask if you want to talk
cause i can see the scars you try to hide

and i try and wonder
how did you ever survive
why didnt you come out bitter
and do tears still stain you eyes
life is short my friend
so remember to dance

cause he is watching down on you
even just for a glance
and if i ever got the chance to tell him what i thought of you
i know hed be proud
youve been a cherished friend to me
im not too sure if you know this now

I hope you feel better
and maybe there is a god
and if so i hope he gives you the strength
to move on but to never forget
because when people pass away
it is there memories that keep them alive til this day

I dont know why i just wrote that like a poem or even if you are going to know who i am talking about but i luv you and im glad your apart of my life even if we arent bestfriends. I am sorry you lost someone close to you and I hope that it gets easier for you. you can always talk to me.. i might not know just what to say but ill always listen.

I donno.. i am sorry tho.
.sara.

Current mood: calm

Current music: silence

11:01PM - happy sweetest day

Did you know there is a national holiday called sweetest day... really look on a calendar, i didnt even know. i guess its like a valentines day?

I shall go through life but once
and any good i can do
or
any kindness i can show to any human being
let me do it now
for i shall not pass this way again.

... so happy sweetest day to my friends.

Current mood: - i miss you

Current music: early november

5:06PM - its pretty true i guess

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next Door Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

7:41PM - 1193.43 miles to MI

"Nothing comes as easy as you."
I'm not too sure what all this means or even if anything will work out between us, but you are the first person I have met where there was no fake romance. Cause the truth is, I wasnt even looking for you or expecting you. A call to you is never a chore cause i miss you and its just good to hear your voice and when you finally warm up to our phone conversations I hear your smart ass humor and It feels like your here for a second, saying the craziest things in the world that always put a smile on this kids face. I want you to move down here but I dont want to be selfish cause whatever will make you happy is what I want for you plus i dont want your mom to hate me haha. Life is full of risks, I just feel like you are sacrificing way more then I will ever be able to understand and the most i can do is just wait to see you again. And no its not hard cause I have been waiting for 17 years I am sure a few months wont matter haha.
.sarah.

10:46AM - I had fun last night

waynes friend was cool.

10:29AM - and i got pinched by a crab

I dont think ive ever wanted my weekend to be over more. the mayham started wed. when i locked my keys in my car, thanx to maguyver aka lifeguard I got it open. then on friday after a fun surf sessions, i frickin locked my keys in my car again. I guess i was just absent minded from school that when i got to the beach i just got too excited lol. thank god my friend Tj was there to give me a ride home otherwise i would of cried. My mom was pissed. Then my whole saturday was spent waiting for my mom to finially get up and go so we could go back to the beach and wait for AAA. Got there and waited for an hour and 45 mins with no money for a drink. then I went to Lowes and walmart to get another key made... guess what they didnt have the damn thing for my key. haha. sigh. around 6 i went surfing but there wasnt any waves and I was the only one out there. Then shane, Aj, Mike and his little bro came out and we all hungout and surfed til it was completely dark out. I realized then how many friends i have made out in the water. Then sunday the waves were washy but so fun when i first got there. I went out for 4 drift sessions and on the last one.. the last wave i was going to take in... i snapped my board in half... dont wanna talk about it. Oh well shit happends thats one thing i have learned from surfing.

Current mood: amused

Current music: Luke Sui's lecturing

6:39PM - job/money makes josh a new man

So today. I woke up early. went to school. Came home. Josh called. surprisingly. asked me to go with him to get a gift. it was her birthday. Went to the dollar store. josh is cheep. just kiddin. he got her "bendy" straws. we went to the florist. got these beautiful 70 dollar roses for her. theyve only been dating a week! josh got me one red rose. aw, thank you. went to spruce creek. bell rang. surprised megan by her locker. shes cute. tiny girl. saw all my little surfer buddies. i think it was weird for them and me. cause normally were pretty wet and naked. josh took me to lunch a quiznos. old guy josh works with said i was pretty. haha. then went home and went back to spanish class. my spanish teacher showed us how to say dirty dirty stuff in spanish. even i blushed.

Current mood: drained

Current music: fall out boy... I hope i get to see you

8:19PM - I think I need a break from surfing for a couple of days....

So this morning/still night time, me and maria woke up at 5:45am to go surfing down at ponce cause the word was it was suppose to be good but only in the morning. It was alright. Once the beach gate opened it turned into a zoo tho, so I just went home and slept til 4 lol.

I went back out after i woke up.
... who are you and why is it that i always suck when i surf next to you. I just wanted to catch one good one lol.

Did you know the sun doesnt rise til 7?

8:41PM - My Mom: It's a good thing wedding dresses are long...

so today was kinda a long surf day. I woke up late, again. went surfing around 1 ish. Before i got out of the water, I dropped into this one wave and i tried to hit the white wash... or something dumb and my board flipped out from under me and my fin sliced my.. i guess groan area haha. So once again Im sure I have gotten another one of my scars. oh well. Then i went shopping at walmart for my mom. then went to ponce to surf with maria but i couldnt find her.. I ended up surfing with some manatees though. cute noses. :)

.sarski.

Current mood: mellow

Current music: Cake-golden nugget

7:27PM - BaSSXB100 [7:25 PM]: then go yo bitches i hate sachool or i went surfin thats all it is

ray... lol

So I havent written in a long time... I havent been up to too much. Just school, which i really dont hate... i like hangin out and everyone there is cool... it doesnt really feel like school this year. Ive been surfin a lot, went to california over summer and next weekend i am in a surfing competition which to me is pretty exciting to me. Oh yea and my bestfriend from chicago, margaret is coming tomorrow night. I cant wait.
.sarah.

6:47PM - skate pic

Me skating

9:43AM - misunderstanding

sigh... i feel funny right now.
I cant explain but i just feel like being alone all the time.
and no its not a sad depressing drama filled alone and i desire no sypathy.
Its peaceful and undisruptive.
collective of my own soul alone.

Each moment just know it will never feel like the one before.
Each time a little less or a little more.
The point is... i have my own situations, my own ideas and my own dreams.

I stand aside in my own mind
but to the viewer it can only be seen
reconizing the many who seem.
Everyone appears a certain way and some get noticed for there efforts
more the those who have no motives of there own way.

Im not writing to seem unique or clever or in a different mind set then anyone but the truth is we all have the same thoughts no matter how lame we think someone is.
we are all unorignal but brillant in our minds.. thats prehaps why we write in journals such as these
to feed our own hunger of "wowing" people with our ablities as a writer or our crazy out looks on life

but

it is those who have there freedom within themselves.
who step on no feet along the way
that shall prevail.

because in the end what goes around comes around and if
you hurt others through your own ignorance of your problems
then in the end, although everything is okay now
that is your fate.

because you sealed it with each friendly heart you took for granded
and each problem of yours that lead you to forget to notice how it effected someone else in some way, because your not alone, your connected to each person you come in contact with. some more then other. and it may seem like the problem is only yours to share but through your actions youve traded your problems to the people who once cared

Okay Im done
I just needed to get that out
Even if it makes me the character and not the narrator of my own story.

10:11AM

Okay so too many crazy things have happend to me in the passed weekend. Friday night I went and hungout with my new friend casey. He lives on the beach pretty much in a sweet little apartment. I met him at the beach like a couple weeks ago so i was kinda nervous because i really couldn't remember what he looked like. When i saw him i must say I was impressed, i guess you could say physically hes everything i am attracted to. Anyways so when i got to his pad we walked down to the beach and hungout on this piece of concrete. Conversation was great. Then we went back to his house and hungout and eventually traveled forth to chi lings. serious grub... the food was amazing. Guys dont really make me nervous to often but he did.. in a good way because i was comfortable and the only part that really make me nervous is that when i talked he paid attention and listened. Dinner was crazy it was $50, high rollin. Then went back to his place and he took me down this medium size hill on a sector 9. After going down a couple of times i got a little cocky and he took me to this hill that led to the beach. Lets just say i ate it soo hard. My shoulder is all messed up i had scraps on my face and my knees were ugly. I guess im out of surfing for awhile. When my mom saw me lets just say it made he cry. Anyways we went back and sat down after my epic fall and watched a surf video. Overall the night was amazing except for the falling and gaunge. Saturday I worked a double it was fun but long. ill continue later.

9:59AM - this is whamp (maria)

So much going on between work, school and everything. I finially took Ian out to lunch one day last week during school. Wendy's, yum. He's really cool and laid back. The crazy kid shaun brought his guitar to school so he could show me some things haha... so going out to lunch instead of that was of course the first choice. I feel bad cause he is really cool on the phone and we have really good converations but in person there is no chemistry in the least so i fear of leading him on when we talk on the phone. The first time we talked on the phone he sang his blues for me and he tried to make me sing on the phone... he said if i was good i could do back up vocals haha. All the flattering is nice but ive heard it all before. Then the most exciting thing that has happend in awhile, i went surfing on thursday by myself and I surfed next to this kid most the time and we started talking. Plus when i got stuck at the first break for awhile he cheered me on. He asked me for my phone number and wrote it in his wax, pretty smooth haha. He's really good at surfing and i can tell he actually loves it and isnt out there to be cool or even good. So i guess he wants to take me to dinner and hangout. im stoked. the only problem is hes 21? 5 years isnt that much older is it?

Wait theres more...
me and maria went to a surf competiton in palm coast early saturday morning. It was seriously so awesome. There was music and people just hanging out. just like in the movies. I love it. Me and maria want to join the ESC, and we will.

Current mood: content

Current music: Cranberries

10:17AM - I love this lifestyle: to more days like this

So my mind set and carelessiness for many of the things that consumes a lot of us, sets me free. I love being myself and ive never felt this comfortable just being me. I love not caring about what other think and not having to lie to myself. I dont have to wear makeup, dress nice or pretend like I am someone i am not just to impress you.

Tuesday was crazy... I go to school at 10:10 so i was going to go hit up the waves at like 7:30 but my mom didnt want me to. I ended up going to school with all my gear.. and subconsciencely i knew i was going to go. So me, maria and shawn left school right as i had gotten there. Me and Maria have gotten pretty good, it rocks. After about an 1hr Shawn went to eat and never came back... hm. LOL. We surfed with LJ finially and a couple of his buddies, its cool surfing with them... its real laid back and fun like it should be. So i got caught for skipping and my mom said if i would of just asked she would of let me, which rocks. I suppose the sunburn, board and wetsuit gave it away.

I feel like I am in middle school again... with a school girl crush. Its amusing and fun... I suppose nothing should come out of it... you never know.

Current mood: awake

Current music: "I like the way you move"-outkast Dedicated to BAILIE...

10:04AM - Goodmorning today

So I have neglected my live journal for awhile... and a lot has gone on sense my last entry I am just too lazy to write about it. Yesterday there was crazy waves... I could see the white wash all the way from the top of the bridge. I suppose on a normal... the surf to most would of looked like a mess but to me... and the few i was around it was amazing... possibly because the surf the day before had nearly came up to my knee. Today i took off work so i can go hit it up after school... i hope it has calmed down some...

As time goes on so does life... and within any life comes change, Much like the ocean tide. All you can do is ride what comes your way...

Current mood: apathetic

Current music: "Im riding on empty"

7:19PM - youll never take me alive...

On wednesday i went surfing in new smryna and i saw andie, he had taken me on my first real date awhile back. It was cool seeing him.. he had this crazy nose piercing, he told me to call him.. and i feel like maybe i should because we did had a connection, i just never pursued it. I think it was because he kinda scared me because he was older and i am a dork. After surfin, went to church where crazy enough the german kid, mike, was there. he has the sweetest hair... i have never really seen him dry before haha. me and maria got to know him better and hes awesome. Hes one of those people who love life and the simple things. It was amazing, at exactly 9:15 pm :) me, maria and him all shared his first bite of the free breadsticks together, of course this was only the first one of the night for me and maria but for mike it was his first ever. We are all suppose to go rip it up together. then, i made a new friend, another mike. Hes defiantly crazy but i like talking to him because we both get really excited about alot of the same things. I guess him and his buddies own a surfing company in new smryna, he wants to take me and maria to costa for spring break with his friends, which would be.. (speechless). I decided hes going to meet my mom and shell fall in love and let me go. Ive been meeting a lot of cool people lately and becoming better friends with others like charlie. he asked me to go to the skate park with him and i dont think i have ever been so excited about a question. I had class but next time dude! I know i have written a lot already but i am going to continue on... Its been kinda hard lately. With my brother going to iraq. he leaves end of next moneth. when maria got her hair cut the other day, they were playing that three doors down song and next to me was this guy and his wife, really young, and you could see his hair was growing out but it still resembled the way the army cuts your hair.. his wife or girlfriend was just standing there looking at him with so much love and excitment like she couldnt believe he was home. He talked about being gone a little bit but he didnt have to say anything i knew where he had been. I felt like crying but i didnt. My mom is having the hardest time and it is hard for me to watch her. They are having a family thing for the boys in washington and my mom wanted to go but she wasnt sure if she should. I thought about why she said she didnt want to go all day that day and i came home and told her that i had decided for her and that if she needed me to spend my surfboard money to go she could, lucky she has the money lol. I told her that if something did happen to my brother, randy, that she would regret not going forever. I thought she would tell me to leave cause shes crazy right now lol but the next thing i knew she had keith on the phone getting tickets. I miss him already and i suppose i pretend that he will just be in washington for the time. All my life, he has been like my dad, brother and friend and i will pray for him every night because if something did happen i dont even know what i would do with myself...
sarah
Plus i am very excited because Lj is going to help me out with getting a surfboard.. hes going to have erie shape it for me. very excited.

Current mood: busy

Current music: count the stars

6:53PM - these scenes are amusing...

so today i was stoked to go surfing except there was no waves in daytona... so me and maria drove to new smyrna on the five bucks of gas which she had placed interesting enough, between both of her, lets just call them "guys". Its crazy, waves i mean, they are rather intriguing all in themselve let alone the ablity to ride them. as we arrived to the end of the jetty, three days grace playing on the stereo... in sight with only one spot, about 50 feet with plenty of surfers who made there presence known by murdering the waves in such a graceful manner. stepping outside, the weather was cold yet the sun still sang. Very intimidated by the sight of the unknown turf and a feeling of neglect from both myself and the beach which left a nott tied in my stomach. I decided to go out with the pure motivation, that i was going to go to california in the summer, which is going to be much more foreign and much more territorial then any of those surfers out there. the feeling was odd. a sense of nervousness through my stomach for a loop as i paddled out... after i calmed myself, i started to look around, greeted by many friendly but curious faces, including the lovely matt, who always makes me feel welcome even if he is cutting me off, with a smile i must add. So i started to feel more at home and i caught a few waves. my secret is...it scares me to want something so badly... the feel of rejection sometimes overwhelming.. but something keeps pushing me, urging me to try harder everytime and a sense of hope blinds that eyes and tells me, if i want it, i can get there. So i hold tight to my dreams and give hope a try.

Current mood: artistic

Current music: Less than jake(the blue cd)

7:47PM - I am officially a "chili head"

very busy kid these days.... I just got a job at Chili's, sweet. If anyone gets bored i would love it if you harrased me. Today was orientation at work and i watched alot of videos and signed my john hancock like 5,000 times. Also started school today, which was very uneventful, simple and i like it that way. Oh yeah, got the hair cut which is probably the most memorable hair cut of my life. Me and maria were bored and maria wanted to cut it so i decided to let her, feeling inspired myself for a new look. the next thing i remember is we were at walmart in their salon with this crazy german women who was trying to style me a mullet after her attack on my head. At first i didnt really like it but now i love it... its not actually a mullet even tho i was raving through walmarts parking lot yelling "yes i have a mullet!". I must say the bean burrito calmed the nerves afterwards... Oh yeah and bailie!! i knew what was up... when we straight walked into your house, you cant pull a fast one past me and maria. Okay so heres to an exciting new chapter of my life: work.
Money prioty:
1)surfboard I have $300 right now
2)California
3)some sort of transportation

Sarah

P.S. Thanx you chuck and steven for convincing me not to go surfing instead of class today.. and hopefully me and maria will get to go surf it up in new smryna with the kid mike.

Tomorrow i have no work so i hope there is waves

Current mood: blank

Current music: Nofx-linoleum

7:40PM - Bob.. i will never forget you bro

So i went to epcot with the ol family. it was interesting... they have the sweetest rocketship thing and i landed it on mars.. i was the pilot... right on. We were standing outside waiting to use our fastpass and this old dude named bob, i swear he was an angel came up and started talking to us... he took us around back and let us cut everyone and he gave us a free photo..

Last night went to church and as i prayed to a god that is hard for me to believe, i cried. It was a good cry. One of those times where you let everything out, silent tears of the things you keep locked inside. I think all you guys are so amazing and i am blessed to have everyone of you in my life. Constantine was fun. maria got her hair cut, its sweet. She tried to make me cut it. Also, me and maria painted her old busted ass surf board... looks pretty sweet.

Today i just woke up and went surfin with maria. then came home, got bailie, and went surfing again. came home and skateboarded in shorts and ate it hard lol. ive decided i am one tuff chick when it comes to not crying and pain... or maybe not.

Todays lesson... dont skateboard with your shorts on.

Current mood: indescribable

Current music: taking back sunday-Cute without the E